“Do you speak the same language?” I have asked this simple question of engaged couples who grew up in the same neighborhood. And I’ve posed the same query to those from different ethnicities or nationalities. English was the language of our conversation. Although, several couples were fluent in a variety of dialects, understanding one another was sometimes difficult.
Understanding Each Other’s Words Correctly
Each couple assured me they spoke the same language. “Really?” My standard response caught them off guard. Then, I reminded them, “Regardless of the vocabulary you use, you can only speak your language as a male or a female, depending on which you are. You may use the same words. But the same words do not always mean the same thing in the ears of your sweetheart.” We rarely need to go beyond the word “affection” to find agreement on that issue.
Seeing and Hearing Differently
Emmerson Eggerichs reminds couples they usually experience life wearing either “pink sunglasses” or “blue sunglasses.” Furthermore, they decipher each other’s language with the aid of “pink hearing aids” or “blue hearing aids.” The title of his New York Times bestseller, Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires and The Respect He Desperately Needs, reveals his focus. Though people may agree or disagree with his premise, the reality of differences between the sexes is easily observable. The way different genders see life affects the way they hear what is being said or not said. In other words, the color of our glasses and hearing aids influences the way we interpret the words flying between us.
Have you ever noticed conversations between people who don’t speak the same language? When one person gets upset because his partner doesn’t understand what he’s saying, the speaker raises his voice. The problem is not a volume issue. Instead, the problem is they speak different languages. Raising the voice doesn’t aid communication. If anything, it hinders understanding.
Clarifying Our Understanding
Some misunderstandings occur because what we say and what the other hears are different. One way to address this involves rephrasing what you thought you heard. Lest we miscommunicate and ignite a word battle, let’s remember the way we say what we say affects communication. So, we are wise to pause, take a deep breath, and lower our voices before saying anything. Then we can say, “What I hear you say is _________. Am I hearing correctly?” And, please remember, you are working to understand someone else’s use of language. Don’t argue over words. Such battles quickly become “I got you” victories, which translate into “couple losses.” The only win in these discussions is a “double win” that brings your hearts back together.
Many times, I have listened to a person repeatedly refer to something hurtful his/her spouse said or did. If the conversation played out long enough, the problem behind the problem would surface. Because the issues we see are often the fruit of an unseen root. Couples need not become one another’s therapists. However, we are wise to connect the dots. What we are facing may well connect to something else in our relationship.
Recognizing Needs behind Words
Eggerichs believes common disputes originate in the ways women understand “love,” and men define “respect.” He cites Ephesians 5:33 as the basis of his guide to strengthening marriage and enhancing communication:
Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
Ephesians 5:33
Indeed, both sexes have unique needs. The complexity of our makeup surfaces many other essential needs. And we can all benefit in better understanding how basic needs affect the way we interpret each other’s language and actions.
Bring Your Best to the Relationship
The increase of “together time” in the stress of facing the unknown can feed tension. Tension provides fertile ground for misunderstandings. Healthy steps to better communication:
- Pay careful attention to both your verbal and body language and that of your spouse.
- Try to act out of love and respect, rather than react out of frustration and irritation.
- Value one another. You are in this season together. Let your journey through this season help you grow together in Christ.
- Speak words that help and encourage.
- Listen to understand.
- Practice kindness.
Our goal is to let the attitude of Christ Jesus shine through us.
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Understanding Each Other’s Language
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Posted: May 1, 2020 by Harry Lucenay
“Do you speak the same language?” I have asked this simple question of engaged couples who grew up in the same neighborhood. And I’ve posed the same query to those from different ethnicities or nationalities. English was the language of our conversation. Although, several couples were fluent in a variety of dialects, understanding one another was sometimes difficult.
Understanding Each Other’s Words Correctly
Each couple assured me they spoke the same language. “Really?” My standard response caught them off guard. Then, I reminded them, “Regardless of the vocabulary you use, you can only speak your language as a male or a female, depending on which you are. You may use the same words. But the same words do not always mean the same thing in the ears of your sweetheart.” We rarely need to go beyond the word “affection” to find agreement on that issue.
Seeing and Hearing Differently
Emmerson Eggerichs reminds couples they usually experience life wearing either “pink sunglasses” or “blue sunglasses.” Furthermore, they decipher each other’s language with the aid of “pink hearing aids” or “blue hearing aids.” The title of his New York Times bestseller, Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires and The Respect He Desperately Needs, reveals his focus. Though people may agree or disagree with his premise, the reality of differences between the sexes is easily observable. The way different genders see life affects the way they hear what is being said or not said. In other words, the color of our glasses and hearing aids influences the way we interpret the words flying between us.
Have you ever noticed conversations between people who don’t speak the same language? When one person gets upset because his partner doesn’t understand what he’s saying, the speaker raises his voice. The problem is not a volume issue. Instead, the problem is they speak different languages. Raising the voice doesn’t aid communication. If anything, it hinders understanding.
Clarifying Our Understanding
Some misunderstandings occur because what we say and what the other hears are different. One way to address this involves rephrasing what you thought you heard. Lest we miscommunicate and ignite a word battle, let’s remember the way we say what we say affects communication. So, we are wise to pause, take a deep breath, and lower our voices before saying anything. Then we can say, “What I hear you say is _________. Am I hearing correctly?” And, please remember, you are working to understand someone else’s use of language. Don’t argue over words. Such battles quickly become “I got you” victories, which translate into “couple losses.” The only win in these discussions is a “double win” that brings your hearts back together.
Many times, I have listened to a person repeatedly refer to something hurtful his/her spouse said or did. If the conversation played out long enough, the problem behind the problem would surface. Because the issues we see are often the fruit of an unseen root. Couples need not become one another’s therapists. However, we are wise to connect the dots. What we are facing may well connect to something else in our relationship.
Recognizing Needs behind Words
Eggerichs believes common disputes originate in the ways women understand “love,” and men define “respect.” He cites Ephesians 5:33 as the basis of his guide to strengthening marriage and enhancing communication:
Indeed, both sexes have unique needs. The complexity of our makeup surfaces many other essential needs. And we can all benefit in better understanding how basic needs affect the way we interpret each other’s language and actions.
Bring Your Best to the Relationship
The increase of “together time” in the stress of facing the unknown can feed tension. Tension provides fertile ground for misunderstandings. Healthy steps to better communication:
Our goal is to let the attitude of Christ Jesus shine through us.
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Category: Marriage & Family Tags: conversations, engaged, listening, love, marriage, respect, understanding